2010 Review

Well, didn't the year end sneak up on me. It's been a year full of surprises and endings. Changes have been seemingly insignificant but with huge ramifications. I no longer allow myself to hide from the inner game that I have been playing concerning my health. Our scale has finally stopped working which is what I needed to happen since I was so focused on the numbers instead of slowly, daily doing what I know to be healthy for me. I've come to realize that it's not just food and exercise but enjoy the day - every day .... where is my joy coming from? .... time to stop planning to enjoy a future that will never arrive and finding joy and happiness in everyday moments. I am thoroughly bored with my life and it's time to change that. Leaving a job that drains the life out of me is a big step. I have slowly come to a certain understanding about the power of attraction and plan on following up with more direct actions in the coming year. I've been up, down and all around with my finances this year but over all I've tried to keep a positive mind set reminding myself daily that I have more than enough money and it's true - there's even a bit of extra left over these days.
Can't wait for the start of 2011 ..... it's going to be a year of miracles .... I can just feel it! :)

Less than 11 months to go

It's been a month since my last posting and I missed my regular date to update my progress. I can't say that it's because all these interesting things have been happening. It's more the case of lack of focus - letting things slide - maybe even a slight case of apathy. In other words - I've lost my focus. Why? I don't really know. I've had to go back to the beginning of this challenge and go over my notes as to what it is that I truly want. Some how, some way I've let things get out of hand. For example ... a few weeks ago there was this house in the local real estate section. Absolutely stunning - a Queen Anne built in the 1890's - updated and move in ready - 5 bedrooms - under $600,000 - well worth the money. Why not try the using the law of attraction to get that for me and Lynne? I just read "the Power" - sequel to the Secret. I'm pumped - why not me? .....

I can answer that today - because it's not what I truly want. I saw the house that I would like a few years ago when I started checking the local market - it shares a lot of similar features to the Queen Anne but in smaller scale - and it has an in ground pool :) - for half the price (still out of our price range for now). Lynne and I would be happy in the smaller house while I'm not too sure about the Queen Anne. What do I truly want? -to not work for anyone, to have money flowing into my bank account with little effort on my part, to have a home that Lynne and I can make ours and use as a healing space/sanctuary, to be healthy in mind, body and spirit.

I just read what I wrote ... I already have most of what I want. Time to get back to being grateful for what I have because my true wants are being covered .... I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and I know that everything will go from good to great without much effort. The power of gratitude, optimism and love will get me everything that I truly want ... just keep focused on what's important - surround myself with people who love and respect me; keep saying the only prayer that I know "thank you"; keep a positive attitude; and focus on my true wants and needs.

I stopped stepping on the weigh scale because the focus was on whether I gained or lost that week instead of how healthy I was treating myself. It's time to stop looking at the real estate pages and other flyer's that show me what I don't have but should get so that 'my life would be soo much better if I had them'....I've dabbled with vision boards - maybe I should focus on creating one that I can see every day. Will let you know how that goes...

Something New

Last week had to have been one of the more emotionally negative ones that I have had in a long time. What set me off? Not too sure but I do have an idea and it involves several components - physical hunger from dieting, having exacting standards to live up to.... mine not someone else's....and ignoring the signs that my body keeps trying to send me. Driving to work Wednesday morning ... it's still dark as it's only 5:30 in the morning.... and I'm miserable to the point of weepiness. I start talking out loud as if I'm in a therapy session (it does work for me) .... describing how I feel. It was like I opened a door .... no.... I let it open - inside is a black hole that consumes all that is positive - moods, self image, etc. Holy crap!!!! I could not figure out what happened Tuesday to set this off. It wasn't a particularly great day and I've had so many that have been much worse. My head keeps going around in circles ..... out of the blue a thought comes to me clear as anything .... it's hungry and you haven't been feeding it! Holy crap on a stick I found my monster ... you know the one that has been giving me such a hard time! What now??? Slaying monsters isn't in my repertoire...anyways it's a part of me not some external hazard. Time for something new.
1: put away the scale - every time I step on it I'm disappointed with myself.
2: eat what I like within reason - I know what is good for me and what hurts me - I didn't binge the rest of the week but it was a close thing and I certainly did't eat all that healthily.
3: there are all these things in my head that I want to do - time to do them
4: I've been letting everyone around me drive my life - time to take control back one step at a time
5: the disappointment that I think I see in other peoples eyes is just a reflection of how I feel about myself - focus within not without!
These should keep me busy for a while ..... got to go - there's work to be done

12 Months To Go

Wow, looking back at the past six months makes me giddy over what will be happening in the coming year. I've learned so much about myself and how I can sabotage myself in the blink of an eye. There is still a lot for me to work on but most important is to focus on making my life the fun adventure that it should be instead of sitting and waiting for what ends up to be "nothing" - literally. Nothing will happen if I don't make some kind of effort to improve myself.

Money is flowing in and I'm able to finish things from the past that have been holding me back ... finally have a savings account that is slowly growing. How nice is that?

My job change is so exciting. For two days of the work week I'm totally content. The other three days are just letting my know how toxic my work environment has been - physically, mentally and emotionally - can't wait to leave.

Health matters have been slowly but surely changing for the better. I will be making my health a priority in the coming months. Spiritually, I haven't been doing what I would like to but I do know that it will all come together - one small step at a time.

This, my birth month, will be for organizing and finishing what needs to be done before my life adventure goes into higher gear. Am I excited? - you betcha!

13 Months

Okay....my work on positive thinking\behaving seems to be working in amazing ways. There is money in the bank, past financial issues are finally getting put behind me, a new career is just around the corner and wow ... who woulda thunk the past 30 days would ever have happened. What I've learned is that you need to throw out to the universe what you want\need and not think about how it's going to come about. I finally let go the 'how' and things just started rolling at me ... freaking me out at times but I can get used to it :)

Health and weight issues have been placed on a back burner but no more. I've issued a friendly challenge to a good friend to lose 25 pounds by Christmas and she has accepted it. She's also doing much better than I at accomplishing the goal but I can easily catch up. I was at the naturopath yesterday and got my 'meds' (vitamins and herbs to build up my immune system). The meds also help with appetite .... my cravings subside and I do less grazing during the day. With cooler days finally here it should be easier to get out walking.

Spiritually things have gotten really quiet. I never did do those 21 days of meditation but the lessons are now on my computer and hopefully I'll give them a go soon because I do feel that there is something that I need to learn in those lessons before I can move on in my spiritual quest.

Next month is birthday month and I will be focusing on what I hope to accomplish in the coming year .... can't wait to see what's in store for me in the months to come.

1st and Last Cold of the Season

Yup...I've got a cold....thanks to Tony at the office. I wash my hands, rest, eat well - oops well maybe not. I'm so easily distracted from taking good care of myself. That does seem to be my biggest hurdle and I am hoping that one day soon I will figure out how or why I keep doing that.
It's been an exciting few weeks....the company I work for underwent a pay equity review and my position was picked and lo and behold I was underpaid. I received my back pay last week - it was a lovely amount. The government took a huge chunk but this is found money and I don't have a problem with that. It's been fun spending the rest....I did put money aside before the spending started and the only thing I owe now is the car loan. I've paid everything off including an old (big) loan that was still outstanding to my boss from a previous business venture so I can now leave with a clear conscious.
The universe really surprised me with this windfall. I'm able to close parts of my old life and move into the next with an incredible openness that is quite exhilarating. Now the test is to take good care of myself during the exciting parts of life and not just the harder parts.
It's 4 in the morning and I have a head cold...my alarm will be going off in half and hour - maybe I should go up and turn it off....

I Have Fat Lady Knees

Yes full length mirrors are not always my friends... a few weeks ago I wore shorts to work (my office was hitting 100 degrees during parts of the day). One of the doors that I walk by has a full length mirror and this one time it was half open and I got a full view of myself and what did my little wandering eyes see but 'fat lady' knees. You all know what I am talking about. I've been trying to be kind to myself when I look into a mirror but this stopped me in my tracks .... oh boy. The rest of the day passed in a haze of 'fat knees, I've got fat knees' running in my head like some kind of warped mantra. I tried tucking the visual in some dark corner of my brain so as not to bother me but then I thought that it might be better to keep it front and centre to use as inspiration. I must accept my fat knees so that I will work on finding the thin person that I have inside me.
Growing up I was skinny. I wasn't interested in food - except for desert and even then my appetite was easily satisfied...I was never hungry for breakfast, lunch just stopped the noise in my belly, I liked the after school snack, dinner was boring, and bedtime snack of bread and butter with milk was yummy. I was somewhat active, my brain was always busy and I don't remember ever thinking about food until it was in front of me. How to get back to that mindset.... hmmmm.
Well it's Saturday morning and time to put on my shorts and go for my walk before the sun gets too hot then I can nap without feeling guilty. Both, I know, are good for my knees :)

14 Months

Ah summer's nearing completion and my personal new year is coming soon...it's a very reflective time of year for me. I've always found the fall as the start of the year for me - school influence possibly - but I do think that my birth date has more significance to my life goals than the actual calendar year. January 1st always seems to be a let down for me ... don't know why, I just never 'got it'. Anyways...

The last four weeks have been quiet. Weight change insignifican:( sporadic exercising:( keeping to my savings program:) eating habits all over the place and boy did I pay for that - ulcerative part of colitis showed up for a couple of days and rosacea has it's marks all over my face. This time I'm fairly sure that I've learned my lesson - eat food that makes me feel better physically not emotionally - one day at a time with this is my best chance for success. Spiritually there have been internal movings and shakings - as things settle and come into clear focus I'll hopefully have the words to describe what is going on. I am trying a 21 day meditation course over the internet - it's free and I'm curious to give it a try.

I am determined to follow up with a career change ... I've come to realize that I do have an inner voice that I should listen to ... not so easy to do when you've ignored it most your life. The days that I listen and work towards this change are good but I still have as many days filled with doubt and negative thoughts. The challenge for the next four weeks will be to do something each day that moves me forward into my new work life - the rest will follow.

Time for change

I have been in a career rut for years. The work day goes by fast enough since I'm always busy but there has been something missing and I now need to change and find that missing "something". What to do next....I really don't know what I want. I've tried meditating, researching, praying for inspiration, you name it and nothing really jumped out at me.

So I went on Kijiji to see if anything struck my fancy. Surprisingly something did -housekeeping - the old fashioned kind of housekeeping. It satisfies most of my needs: to be of service, to work in a healthy environment, to be physically active, to have control over how I do my work, and to have more free time for personal pursuits. I realized that what I miss most is eating breakfast at home, being able to schedule exercise before work, relaxing in the evening without feeling guilty. Right now I'm spending 15 hours a week commuting - working close to home will free up 10 hours minimum depending on where my clients are located. I'm already in discussion with a potential client. Very exciting.....

A major shake up in my career zone is probably the best thing that I could do for myself. I will have lots to learn, set up, figure out, and do ... life isn't so boring now .... phew.

15 Months

So.....the last four weeks have been interesting. I opened a tax free savings account and deposited my first $50.00. Very exciting. Still putting 10% into my savings account every pay but will need most of it to cover things. Our car was stolen Friday night ... it's happily back in the garage tonight - lower on gas with a parking ticket but none the worse for it's adventure. Started exercising.... 4 days in a row and counting. I'm not exercising in the morning, that's just not working out but I have been going after supper. Tonight I was late with rescuing the car from the tow lot so I skipped the exercises and went straight for my walk. My weight is 223 ... down - not much but happily down. An interesting by product of the car drama is that I actually wasn't hungry ... that's right I lost my appetite instead of eating everything in sight. Wow! Get ready people, I feel some craziness is due ....

Enough - time to move

This week's challenge: exercise first thing in the morning everyday. I can do this - I must do this - If I get up at 4:30 I can have a glass of lemon water as the dogs do the morning pee pee thing, do my exercises which take no more than 15 minutes then go for a walk around the big block which takes 20 minutes. I could then have a quick shower, pack my lunch and be on the road before 6am. It's very doable. I'm writing this sweating up a storm because I just came back from doing the above. It's just not 5am. :)

I'm angry, frustrated, lots of negative energy. Some from the stolen car issue, most from my lack of pushing through blocks. I've done it before so I know that it's not as hard as my ego tells me it is. I am self aware enough to know that it all stems from a fear of success but now it's time to find out what will happen as I start to do the things that will make me successful. Fear/ no fear - it's time. Back to the negative energy.... exercise and good eating habits will be what helps me turn this energy into something positive. I've had enough of procrastination ...

10 Years and counting

Ten years ago today my life went from having dinner with fat cat Harry trying to paw the fish off my plate to having all the dining rooms chairs filled with a partner and two young teen boys and skittish Pearl giving Harry a hard time. Wow! It doesn't seem that long ago but then the two teens are now grown men living under different roofs then us. Huh! Both Harry and Pearl are gone now and have been replaced by Monkees and Squeeky with their doggy friends Shaggy Dude and Juanita. ( I still miss Pete the minpin - the little PITA (pain in the ass) dog- he was always good for a laugh and a snuggle)

Yes Lynne and I have had our fair share of ups and downs, some of them quite dramatic at times but I wouldn't change one minute of it. If anything the past couple of years have been too quiet.... moving to Cambridge was an adventure but a really tame one. We are due to bust out with some crazy scheme and get back into the adventure of life together. Not another dog .... no .... though there is a cute one at the pound .... I would call her Phoebe ... no! no! no!

Lately our focus has been on medical issues - some of them frightening but we are both on our way to getting healthier - day by day - small changes - restarts - eyes getting brighter - hopefully trouble (the good kind) soon to follow.

I look forward to the next 10 years... how can I not when all Lynne has to do is walk into the room I'm in and my soul sings! (Telephone calls work too). There is nothing better than that. Can't wait to see what we get up to next.

Hey my honeythebunny, Happy Anniversary!

I've been BAD

Yes, that's right bad .... really bad. I've had ice cream, beef bbq sandwiches, coffee with cream and sugar, etc. Why do we talk to ourselves like we are 4 years old looking at a pack of matches ... don't touch that it's baaad!. It's not a nice way of treating yourself is it? I've been listening to a book on tape by Deepak Chopra - The Book of Secrets - it's very good. I'll have to get a hard copy to go over it again since it has lots of subtle ideas that once in my head they won't go away. The book speaks to me on a spiritual level with practical applications. I'm only half way through but already I'm starting to see things differently. Like why am I "bad"? I'm not, I just am not making great food choices for my health. I was very discouraged early last week and I let it stay with me. I had a big bill for car repairs and let everything I've been working on fly out the window. Being bad ... I guess deep down I wish it was as simple as that. Let me be a 4 year old because others had the responsibility of taking care of me and my surroundings. I don't need to grow up, I need to take action. ( I say that a lot these days) Non action, procrastination, denial are all signs of accepting the status quo. That's not what I want. My mantra this week ... small steps make big changes. Forget the bad, my choices were just that, choices. Time to let it go and make new choices. (: the ice cream was very good - too good to really be 'bad' :) Growth comes from the challenging days not the easy ones...I've been growing.

16 Months Left

Wow, where did those 4 weeks go. What to report ... well weight loss was insignificant. The bank accounts look much as they did last month. I revealed that I'm crazy and talk to squirrels. Hunh! It's been an interesting month in that things are happening in the back of my brain. Deeper understanding of what I want, what I truly want is starting to form. Have you ever asked yourself the question 'if you had access to all the money you would ever need what would you do?'? That has been the focus of the back of my brain and this month answers are slowly percolating forward. I never before could truly come up with an answer to that question but finally something has clicked in my dark recesses and answers are now forthcoming. I will share those answers in future postings. I feel like an artist who's not yet willing to let others look at her work in progress. Don't worry I wont make you wait until it's finished.

No weight loss this month. I've been eating much better. The only trouble I have is meat and eggs. I will only have eggs once a week and the meat that I will have is usually chicken with an occasional bite of turkey bacon(yum). 80% of the time I've been eating vegetarian and drinking my almond milk like a good girl(I getting used to it now, it's quite tasty). My naturopath has me taking some herbal stuff that should clear up my skin .... yuch!!!! My focus for this coming month will be exercise, exercise, exercise.

Financially I'm still putting 10% aside each pay. I needed all of it last month to cover everything coming out of the account last month but I'm determined to get some savings started. I'm trying to focus on the positive things that I have been doing. I got us this far, I do more right things then not.

Spiritually, well yes I'm nuts(and yes that's a squirrel reference). We did go to the UU church in Waterloo and enjoyed the service it was a discussion on Zen. I do plan on going again.

Overall, I'm entering the next four weeks with a quiet determination to make lasting changes to how I live this life of mine. Not big dramatic changes but small lasting ones. It feels good to have this determination come back .... I've missed it for a long time.

Insanity .....

"doing the same thing over and over again and expecting something different" - Albert Einstein.(my hair idol)

I have been insane......thanks for the reality check Albert.

My Spirit Guide - A Squirrel

Alright, I did say that I would tell you this story. Let me set up the day. I'm fairly sure that it was a sunny Friday because I was in a hurry to get home. At the time we lived in a semi-detached house situated at the end of a court in Burlington. I was driving a van and on Fridays I'd get emergency calls from one of two stores in Burlington that needed something for the weekend. This delivery would add 20 - 30 minutes to my drive home. Most times it would take longer because there would be some form of chatting with the staff at the store. So, this particular Friday, I had one of those deliveries and I was in a hurry to get home. We weren't going out, nothing special on television, I really don't know what the hurry was except it was "Friday" and I wanted to be home. Cars couldn't drive fast enough for me. The music on the radio was fun Friday stuff egging me on .... I turned off the main road, almost home, turned again onto the court. Sigh .... made it.... BRAKE!!!!!!! Tires squealed. There's a squirrel in my way! Right in my path!!!! (There was lots of room to go around it) Heart pounding, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. Everything goes quiet....I don't even remember the music playing. This squirrel looks at me, shows me it's little front buck teeth then scolds me as only a squirrel can. I'm serious, you've all heard it before if you've lived anywhere near squirrels. I know it was saying things like what are you doing, this is a nice quiet place, slow down you fool. I could feel my heart beat slowing down, the shoulders lowered to a more normal position, the grip on the steering wheel lessened. Then that squirrel started laughing, yes it did, you weren't there. I'm telling you it laughed at me. Think about it, there he was all of 6 ounces of furry bone and teeth and he managed to stop a van which outweighed him by a ton or two. Really, how much power did this little rodent have..... This scene only lasted moments. It takes much longer to describe it. My brain was doing that slow motion thing ... detailing every item. All through this encounter I was aware of something special. Focused on that squirrel a peace filled and surrounded me. I was in and surrounded by what I call the Divine. I have issues with the God that was introduced to me but the Divine, I'd been there before and didn't know it. Thanks to that squirrel, I was made aware of it again in a way that I couldn't forget it. My ultimate goal is to one day soon learn how to live each moment in that peace. Thanks little squirrel wherever you are for the gift you gave me that day.
PS: I now live in a new development with no trees, which means no squirrels.........hmmmm

Great Expectations part 2

Showers are great things .... bath and/or rain ... they both induce quiet reflection. I was thinking of last night's blog ... more needs to be said. Expectations - the theme of the week - not by choice. What has really been bothering me? Let me share a few things.

1. I cried on my drive in to work early in the week. I was thinking of people's wishes/wants for me. All in loving, supporting ways. How much better/greater my life would be if .... I should try this or that to achieve my goals ... the closer I can get to being my authentic self the greater I will be. Now, I know that 's not quite what was said or intended but it's what I hear. I turn it into expectations not fulfilled..... never will I be 'great'. Suddenly somewhere close to Milton, I heard a small voice - mine - but I already am, great that is, and always have been, why can't they see that? It's making me cry again - I have a feeling it's because they do see it, it's me who doesn't.....or maybe a bit of both.
2. I've dreamt about my mother this week, twice. The first time we were shoe shopping. Something we used to do together, I don't remember who was needing the shoes, it was just a quick little dream before waking. Last night's dream was different. My mother and I moved to an apartment in a new city and it was furnished with some other woman's furniture. Soon after the move my mother dies, the woman who owns the furniture dies, the dream gets jumbled from there. There's a memorial service for my mother in the apartment lobby, some semi abstract bronze sculpture of body parts and water is the centre of the service. Then I have to move because I can't afford the rent and I don't know what to do with the furniture ....... freaked me out. A week exploring expectations and my mother shows up .... hunh!
3. This morning I follow through with yesterday's idea of trying Debbie Ford's Consciousness Cleanse. It starts with an 8 minute guided meditation. Hmmmm. My safe place is forested with a wing backed chair. A squirrel got me there (a story for another day). My wise self is a bright beam of light. My small voice says I told you I was great. Very interesting. Too much Star Trek maybe? Don't think so, feels right.

Well, it's a long weekend and I'm just going to let everything percolate. Time to live in the 'now' and let the revelations settle in. Laundry must get done.

Great Expectations

What a week. Nothing outstanding, good or bad, just quiet moments with small tedious interruptions. There is absolutely no one thing/issue that stands out this week but driving home today I realized that I did learn something about myself. It has to do with being disappointed ... with people not meeting my expectations. To itemize all the little disappointments of the week is not worth the time or the effort, just acknowledging their existence is enough. Intellectually I know that unvoiced expectations are always going to bring disappointment but how do you stop? That was my question in the car driving home today. Nothing was earth shattering. They were small let downs. Insignificant even... but by mid week they sure were adding up. The worst of it was that I was creating more expectations and directing them at myself. I never realized how hard I can be on myself. All those people throughout the week that didn't meet my unvoiced expectations were forgiven once I realized that they had no idea what they had done it because it was all in my head. I don't know if I've ever forgiven myself for not meeting my expectations - I think I have some mighty powerful expectations directed at myself - maybe it's time to try some meditation. Ooooh I know, the universe sent me Debbie Ford's 21 day consciousness cleanse via Oprah's daily email. http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Get-Started-Take-Debbie-Fords-21-Day-Consciousness-Cleanse I have to act when things like this come at me. I'll give it a shot. Today's 90 minute car ride just spun my head. Like I said .... a week of small tedious interruptions.

17 Months Left

Four weeks sure can speed by even when you are paying attention. Well, what have I accomplished. My weight is 224.5 not bad considering I haven't been exercising much. I now put 10% of my net paycheck into my savings account - I might need some of it at the end of the month but I am learning how to live off 90% of my paycheck and letting the universe know that I don't need everything I make. I just have to get my brain thinking that way too. Tomorrow I'm off the the First Unitarian Church of Waterloo ... it should be interesting. Things are coming together and I'm getting excited about what's to come next.

The "I want" Syndrome

Yup, that would be me. I've been trying to follow my inner voice for the past little bit and boy, do I ever go on with the I want this and I want that. Never mind the when I's .... when I have extra money, when I have more time, when I leave my job ...it can go on and on and on. Don't get me started on "I can't afford that ...."!

I do believe that the law of attraction consists of having thoughts of abundance, so if what I want is abundance be it time, money, health etc. then I had better figure out a way to change that little nagging voice in my head. So what should I do? I have been writing in my gratitude journal every night. So far it has been pretty easy coming up with things that I'm grateful for. Need to get a positive spin inside my head.

Okay, let's deal with the I wants. Anytime I think of something that I want I'm going to find a picture of it and put it in my daytimer - my portable vision board and every day I will look at it and tell myself that I already have them ... I do they are right there - see?

Now for the "when I's". What to do? I know, every time my brain goes in that direction I will try to stop it by thinking of all the things that I already have, ie when I have more time I'll try oil painting => instead of oil painting I'm reading a good book before bed. If I really wanted to paint, I'd find the time. Just had Master Yoda in my head. What's the quote try or not try there is no can't....something like that. I'm scaring myself.

Let's see what happens. Am I excited? Yup!

Visit to the Naturopath

I went to the naturopath yesterday. I never sleep well after a visit with her so here I am at 3:45 am trying to empty my brain before the day starts to speed up. I'm going to be doing some more cleansing .... I'm drinking my morning 'Master Cleanse', it's surprisingly tasty. Water, lime juice(or lemon), maple syrup and cayenne. But that's not what is keeping me from sleep.

Anyone familiar with the practise of homeopathy? I wasn't and I'm not sure I should attempt a description of it but it involves giving the patient an essence in the belief that two of the same things cannot exist in one body. Anyway it's too early to do the description justice. Sometimes a leap in faith has more healing power than the strongest of medicines. She read a description from her text which described a part of me that was so eerily accurate it borders on disturbing - hence the not sleeping. The best way that I can describe this part of me is to call it a cloud - a dark one - that follows me around where ever I go. I never realized how often I let it create shadows in my life. Most days it doesn't bother me. Hopefully it's time to dissipate has come.

I could go back to sleep now but the alarm will go off in 15 mins. Figures.

Funny how the brain works

Okay, it's Saturday morning and the alarm goes off at 4:30 am like it does all week. It's just habit turning it on before I go to sleep. I turn it off and get up because I'm wide awake and I have to pee, so do the dogs(have to pee that is). While I'm in the bathroom I decide to step on the weight scale .... yes, I'm totally insane! Oh no! I've gained 1.5 pounds!!!!!! Arghhhhh. I was good all week with just a few slip ups and most of those minor. Only one major no no - Fast Eddies extreme burger with fries and pop - not as yummy as anticipated but still not 1.5 pounds worth! Wow.

I check my emails, goof around the Internet visiting favourite sites, normal Saturday morning stuff. No rush to do anything. Feeling very fuzzy headed so decide to go back to bed around 7 am. As I snuggle into the pillows listening to the wind and rain my brain goes back to the 1.5 pounds and whoa the ride I go on for just seconds .... my life up to now has been wasted, I've accomplished absolutely nothing, why do I bother trying anything .... on and on it goes. I have to put the brakes on my brain. I tell myself that I'm being silly - which I am - I know that I have a tendency to be hard on myself but really, never like this. Eventually I fall asleep and an hour later feeling much better. I jump in the shower determined to get a fresh start. What do I do???? Yes that's right, I step back on the scales again. Oh, I've lost a pound over last week, not gained. Ooops!

Lesson learned .... get new glasses and stay off the scales at 4:30 in the morning. Phew!

Manic Monday - well not quite manic

Sun set is nearing and it's been a "Monday". Everyone at work including myself had a long day...not necessarily a hard day just lots of tedious little things kept popping up. It's incredibly hard to keep a positive attitude through a day like this and I won't be calling today a success. The weekend was uneventful so I can't blame it on "weekend over stimulation". I've been keeping to my "foods are medicine" with just a couple of exceptions but I'm good with that.

Today was good as far as eating until I came back from our evening walk ( the second one in as many days - it's a start), I'm sitting here having sparkling water with a spritz of orange juice (yum) and a small bowl of less salt potato chips. Okay what happened to me! They taste 'not good' .... I love chips of every variety. These chips are not doing it for me.... am I damaged???? Ha ha ha! I want more water and I won't finish the chips. Maybe I'm coming down with something. Twilight zone theme is quietly playing in the back of my head. Huh. The seriousness of my intent to become healthier must be stronger than I thought.

The sun is now an orange blur in the distance but I must change today's overall results to be an outstanding success because never before have I not eaten chips that were in front of me. Gonna be an interesting week n'est pas?

What Next?

What do I do first? The brain is bubbling over with all manner of changes to implement but I know that too many at once will bring about failure. Let's see, first my lovely partner bought me a neat little notebook with the intention of me taking it to work. I've left it at the side of my bed and each night before I turn the light off I'm listing all the things that I am grateful for the day. It's nice going to sleep thinking good thoughts. Oprah and lots of others recommend a gratitude journal so this is an easy one to try.

I started seeing a naturopath last fall. I really enjoy my visits with her. I went back and looked at the initial instructions that she had given me. Mainly to do with diet. There is a list of things to avoid and a list of what I should be eating. It's funny but I have been focusing on what not to eat: sugar, coffee, tea, alcohol, pop, animal products(meat, cheese, eggs, milk), all refined flours & breads, foods with chemicals. I read this and think what's left????? Some of these I have been able to avoid, some others I don't know if I will ever manage a week of not eating. This week I'm trying to focus on the list of foods to eat: all fish, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, beans, nuts & seeds, almond milk, oils (olive, avocado, grapeseed), herbal tea and of course water. So far I've done not bad but meat is going to be the hardest to fully give up. It should get easier as the farmer's markets start having fresh produce. I love farmer's markets!

I'm drinking herbal tea in the morning, breakfast of oatmeal with raisins and a touch of maple syrup, water the rest of the day with the exception of a small glass of juice when I get home ( this stops me from grazing before supper is ready). Next week I'll get snacks and lunches all organized.

Did my taxes and have to pay so any changes to my financial health will start next month. I do think that I will start with what's known as the 10 percent rule - take 10% off any monies coming in and place into a savings account. Can't hurt.

Spiritual Well Being - or should I call it happiness?

This I think will be the hardest part of my challenge. I've never really dealt with my inner beliefs and how they affect my day to day life but I'm slowly coming around to the understanding of how important it just may be. I have so many questions that I need to address:

1. Do I go down this path by myself or do I find a mentor/community to help me?
2. What is it that I truly believe?
3. Will working on this really help me?
4. What path should I follow - organized religion or some new age belief system?
5. How do you articulate all that's inside?
6. I f I believe in something greater than myself that I am a part of than why don't I take better care of myself? Does it not follow that if I am part of something greater than how I treat myself is also how I treat the something greater?

Ooooo! That #6 hit something, amazing what comes out when you write without preplanning. Put your seatbelts on people, this just may be a bumpy ride.

Wealth

I've read many books, article, anything that has crossed my path on this subject. I've know the basics since my twenties but for some reason I'm still unable to put what I know into practise.
I have learned more about wealth over the years but still am a "wannabe" instead of an "I am". What part of the thought process changes that since all resources confirm that you must believe that you are capable of creating great wealth to do so.
So, wealth challenge #1: change my beliefs concerning wealth.
How? You say.

• Past: look at past and finish what needs finishing - organizing papers; looking at past mistakes and finding positive lessons; closing chapters so as to move forward; find out what I truly believe deep down in my psyche i.e. do I really believe that "life is hard then you die"?
• Present: what can I do today to change things? So much good advice out there, which one to pick first to try?
• Future: What do I really want? How much? Why? What will I do with it? I guess I had better set up a plan.

Health...what I know to do

Everybody reading this , including me knows what they should do for better health. I just don't know why it's so hard to do what you know is right....

1. Eat food that's nutritionally good for you, or as my naturopath keeps telling me, food is medicine


2. Exercise...I just wrote that word and I giggled....why is it so hard to do? I have 2 dogs I should at least walk one of them.


3. Good sleep/ rest. I'm much better at sleeping than I used to be, I'll even take naps now if I'm home. Resting or relaxing now that something different. I can keep my body fairly quiet but my mind she is just a racing most of the time....meditation? maybe.

Sounds so simple yet it is so hard to do on a daily basis. Do I "just make up my mind" and do it? That's how I quit smoking and I know it works. Or do I turn the process into steps and start with one and add more as time goes on? My brain is so funny....as I'm writing this so many excuses and reasons for failing are just tumbling all over the place for both methods.

I need to institute big changes if I'm going to succeed and the step approach should give me momentum through the hard changes. My brain likes this approach too...it knows that there is a chance of losing focus and stopping all together. Ha! NOT THIS TIME BRAIN....the world is watching and I want to smile at myself every time I look in the mirror.

April 15th, Day 1

In exactly 18 months is my 50th birthday. An exciting number, what will it bring? Am I ready for my most powerful decade? Not yet.

My challenge is to enter my 50th decade ready for personal adventure.



In the next 18 months I must focus on getting my internal houses in order. The houses that I am speaking of are the internal perceptions of what "I should be" that influence my external environment. How will I measure any progress? Well, with external markers: health; wealth;and spiritual well being.



My starting point:

Health:

• I'm overweight -230lbs


• I have been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and rosacea (both get worse with stress)


• I am a former smoker


• I have a gruelling commute to a job which I feel ambivalent about.


• I don't exercise

Wealth:

• Recovering from bankruptcy due to a failed business and bad personal financial decisions


• I have a savings account which keeps going back to 0 to help pay bills


• Still living paycheck to paycheck

Spiritual Well being or Happiness:



Am I happy? The answer is a quick yes but then I have to ask myself why am I constantly looking for something that I feel I need. This will be the difficult one.