I Have Fat Lady Knees

Yes full length mirrors are not always my friends... a few weeks ago I wore shorts to work (my office was hitting 100 degrees during parts of the day). One of the doors that I walk by has a full length mirror and this one time it was half open and I got a full view of myself and what did my little wandering eyes see but 'fat lady' knees. You all know what I am talking about. I've been trying to be kind to myself when I look into a mirror but this stopped me in my tracks .... oh boy. The rest of the day passed in a haze of 'fat knees, I've got fat knees' running in my head like some kind of warped mantra. I tried tucking the visual in some dark corner of my brain so as not to bother me but then I thought that it might be better to keep it front and centre to use as inspiration. I must accept my fat knees so that I will work on finding the thin person that I have inside me.
Growing up I was skinny. I wasn't interested in food - except for desert and even then my appetite was easily satisfied...I was never hungry for breakfast, lunch just stopped the noise in my belly, I liked the after school snack, dinner was boring, and bedtime snack of bread and butter with milk was yummy. I was somewhat active, my brain was always busy and I don't remember ever thinking about food until it was in front of me. How to get back to that mindset.... hmmmm.
Well it's Saturday morning and time to put on my shorts and go for my walk before the sun gets too hot then I can nap without feeling guilty. Both, I know, are good for my knees :)

14 Months

Ah summer's nearing completion and my personal new year is coming soon...it's a very reflective time of year for me. I've always found the fall as the start of the year for me - school influence possibly - but I do think that my birth date has more significance to my life goals than the actual calendar year. January 1st always seems to be a let down for me ... don't know why, I just never 'got it'. Anyways...

The last four weeks have been quiet. Weight change insignifican:( sporadic exercising:( keeping to my savings program:) eating habits all over the place and boy did I pay for that - ulcerative part of colitis showed up for a couple of days and rosacea has it's marks all over my face. This time I'm fairly sure that I've learned my lesson - eat food that makes me feel better physically not emotionally - one day at a time with this is my best chance for success. Spiritually there have been internal movings and shakings - as things settle and come into clear focus I'll hopefully have the words to describe what is going on. I am trying a 21 day meditation course over the internet - it's free and I'm curious to give it a try.

I am determined to follow up with a career change ... I've come to realize that I do have an inner voice that I should listen to ... not so easy to do when you've ignored it most your life. The days that I listen and work towards this change are good but I still have as many days filled with doubt and negative thoughts. The challenge for the next four weeks will be to do something each day that moves me forward into my new work life - the rest will follow.