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- I cried on my drive in to work early in the week. I was thinking of people's wishes/wants for me. All in loving, supporting ways. How much better/greater my life would be if .... I should try this or that to achieve my goals ... the closer I can get to being my authentic self the greater I will be. Now, I know that 's not quite what was said or intended but it's what I hear. I turn it into expectations not fulfilled..... never will I be 'great'. Suddenly somewhere close to Milton, I heard a small voice - mine - but I already am, great that is, and always have been, why can't they see that? It's making me cry again - I have a feeling it's because they do see it, it's me who doesn't.....or maybe a bit of both.
- I've dreamt about my mother this week, twice. The first time we were shoe shopping. Something we used to do together, I don't remember who was needing the shoes, it was just a quick little dream before waking. Last night's dream was different. My mother and I moved to an apartment in a new city and it was furnished with some other woman's furniture. Soon after the move my mother dies, the woman who owns the furniture dies, the dream gets jumbled from there. There's a memorial service for my mother in the apartment lobby, some semi abstract bronze sculpture of body parts and water is the centre of the service. Then I have to move because I can't afford the rent and I don't know what to do with the furniture ....... freaked me out. A week exploring expectations and my mother shows up .... hunh!
- This morning I follow through with yesterday's idea of trying Debbie Ford's Consciousness Cleanse. It starts with an 8 minute guided meditation. Hmmmm. My safe place is forested with a wing backed chair. A squirrel got me there (a story for another day). My wise self is a bright beam of light. My small voice says I told you I was great. Very interesting. Too much Star Trek maybe? Don't think so, feels right.
Well, it's a long weekend and I'm just going to let everything percolate. Time to live in the 'now' and let the revelations settle in. Laundry must get done.
Now you made me cry :) I had to go through some of this re: my expectations for my son. It was part of his rehab, and in a way mine too. I had to learn to either voice my expectations of him, to him, or to let them go and realize that he has to answer to his own self (to thine own self be true kind of thing), while I needed to revel in the quirky, funny, kind person that he is and know that he will figure things out and stay healthy. Faith maybe?
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, I've struggled with expectations of myself, and of my parents to actually a) act like parents, or at least b) act like adults at least some times. I've come to the realization that, while they will always make me a bit crazy, I can't change them, only my reaction to the crazy, often hurtful things they do and say. To me, and to those close to me.
Expectations of self are the hardest to reconcile I think. I think I expected to be more 'important' in my career than I am, but I'm also a bit too lazy to really work the way I'd need to to get there. So I try to do what I do as well as I can and get satisfaction in that. So I wrote 2 articles and my book comes out next week. Not 2 books and 6 articles like colleagues who amaze me. Or get millions in grants. Or have dozens of graduate students. There is so much competition and comparisons made between academics -- nasty sometimes. I struggle with it but I think so long as you have good relationships and can be a positive force and help to those close to you - and do the things that bring you joy and teach you new stuff - it'll all be ok. Maybe even great -but YOU get decide what is GREAT FOR YOU. :D