Great Expectations part 2

Showers are great things .... bath and/or rain ... they both induce quiet reflection. I was thinking of last night's blog ... more needs to be said. Expectations - the theme of the week - not by choice. What has really been bothering me? Let me share a few things.

1. I cried on my drive in to work early in the week. I was thinking of people's wishes/wants for me. All in loving, supporting ways. How much better/greater my life would be if .... I should try this or that to achieve my goals ... the closer I can get to being my authentic self the greater I will be. Now, I know that 's not quite what was said or intended but it's what I hear. I turn it into expectations not fulfilled..... never will I be 'great'. Suddenly somewhere close to Milton, I heard a small voice - mine - but I already am, great that is, and always have been, why can't they see that? It's making me cry again - I have a feeling it's because they do see it, it's me who doesn't.....or maybe a bit of both.
2. I've dreamt about my mother this week, twice. The first time we were shoe shopping. Something we used to do together, I don't remember who was needing the shoes, it was just a quick little dream before waking. Last night's dream was different. My mother and I moved to an apartment in a new city and it was furnished with some other woman's furniture. Soon after the move my mother dies, the woman who owns the furniture dies, the dream gets jumbled from there. There's a memorial service for my mother in the apartment lobby, some semi abstract bronze sculpture of body parts and water is the centre of the service. Then I have to move because I can't afford the rent and I don't know what to do with the furniture ....... freaked me out. A week exploring expectations and my mother shows up .... hunh!
3. This morning I follow through with yesterday's idea of trying Debbie Ford's Consciousness Cleanse. It starts with an 8 minute guided meditation. Hmmmm. My safe place is forested with a wing backed chair. A squirrel got me there (a story for another day). My wise self is a bright beam of light. My small voice says I told you I was great. Very interesting. Too much Star Trek maybe? Don't think so, feels right.

Well, it's a long weekend and I'm just going to let everything percolate. Time to live in the 'now' and let the revelations settle in. Laundry must get done.

Great Expectations

What a week. Nothing outstanding, good or bad, just quiet moments with small tedious interruptions. There is absolutely no one thing/issue that stands out this week but driving home today I realized that I did learn something about myself. It has to do with being disappointed ... with people not meeting my expectations. To itemize all the little disappointments of the week is not worth the time or the effort, just acknowledging their existence is enough. Intellectually I know that unvoiced expectations are always going to bring disappointment but how do you stop? That was my question in the car driving home today. Nothing was earth shattering. They were small let downs. Insignificant even... but by mid week they sure were adding up. The worst of it was that I was creating more expectations and directing them at myself. I never realized how hard I can be on myself. All those people throughout the week that didn't meet my unvoiced expectations were forgiven once I realized that they had no idea what they had done it because it was all in my head. I don't know if I've ever forgiven myself for not meeting my expectations - I think I have some mighty powerful expectations directed at myself - maybe it's time to try some meditation. Ooooh I know, the universe sent me Debbie Ford's 21 day consciousness cleanse via Oprah's daily email. http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Get-Started-Take-Debbie-Fords-21-Day-Consciousness-Cleanse I have to act when things like this come at me. I'll give it a shot. Today's 90 minute car ride just spun my head. Like I said .... a week of small tedious interruptions.

17 Months Left

Four weeks sure can speed by even when you are paying attention. Well, what have I accomplished. My weight is 224.5 not bad considering I haven't been exercising much. I now put 10% of my net paycheck into my savings account - I might need some of it at the end of the month but I am learning how to live off 90% of my paycheck and letting the universe know that I don't need everything I make. I just have to get my brain thinking that way too. Tomorrow I'm off the the First Unitarian Church of Waterloo ... it should be interesting. Things are coming together and I'm getting excited about what's to come next.

The "I want" Syndrome

Yup, that would be me. I've been trying to follow my inner voice for the past little bit and boy, do I ever go on with the I want this and I want that. Never mind the when I's .... when I have extra money, when I have more time, when I leave my job ...it can go on and on and on. Don't get me started on "I can't afford that ...."!

I do believe that the law of attraction consists of having thoughts of abundance, so if what I want is abundance be it time, money, health etc. then I had better figure out a way to change that little nagging voice in my head. So what should I do? I have been writing in my gratitude journal every night. So far it has been pretty easy coming up with things that I'm grateful for. Need to get a positive spin inside my head.

Okay, let's deal with the I wants. Anytime I think of something that I want I'm going to find a picture of it and put it in my daytimer - my portable vision board and every day I will look at it and tell myself that I already have them ... I do they are right there - see?

Now for the "when I's". What to do? I know, every time my brain goes in that direction I will try to stop it by thinking of all the things that I already have, ie when I have more time I'll try oil painting => instead of oil painting I'm reading a good book before bed. If I really wanted to paint, I'd find the time. Just had Master Yoda in my head. What's the quote try or not try there is no can't....something like that. I'm scaring myself.

Let's see what happens. Am I excited? Yup!

Visit to the Naturopath

I went to the naturopath yesterday. I never sleep well after a visit with her so here I am at 3:45 am trying to empty my brain before the day starts to speed up. I'm going to be doing some more cleansing .... I'm drinking my morning 'Master Cleanse', it's surprisingly tasty. Water, lime juice(or lemon), maple syrup and cayenne. But that's not what is keeping me from sleep.

Anyone familiar with the practise of homeopathy? I wasn't and I'm not sure I should attempt a description of it but it involves giving the patient an essence in the belief that two of the same things cannot exist in one body. Anyway it's too early to do the description justice. Sometimes a leap in faith has more healing power than the strongest of medicines. She read a description from her text which described a part of me that was so eerily accurate it borders on disturbing - hence the not sleeping. The best way that I can describe this part of me is to call it a cloud - a dark one - that follows me around where ever I go. I never realized how often I let it create shadows in my life. Most days it doesn't bother me. Hopefully it's time to dissipate has come.

I could go back to sleep now but the alarm will go off in 15 mins. Figures.

Funny how the brain works

Okay, it's Saturday morning and the alarm goes off at 4:30 am like it does all week. It's just habit turning it on before I go to sleep. I turn it off and get up because I'm wide awake and I have to pee, so do the dogs(have to pee that is). While I'm in the bathroom I decide to step on the weight scale .... yes, I'm totally insane! Oh no! I've gained 1.5 pounds!!!!!! Arghhhhh. I was good all week with just a few slip ups and most of those minor. Only one major no no - Fast Eddies extreme burger with fries and pop - not as yummy as anticipated but still not 1.5 pounds worth! Wow.

I check my emails, goof around the Internet visiting favourite sites, normal Saturday morning stuff. No rush to do anything. Feeling very fuzzy headed so decide to go back to bed around 7 am. As I snuggle into the pillows listening to the wind and rain my brain goes back to the 1.5 pounds and whoa the ride I go on for just seconds .... my life up to now has been wasted, I've accomplished absolutely nothing, why do I bother trying anything .... on and on it goes. I have to put the brakes on my brain. I tell myself that I'm being silly - which I am - I know that I have a tendency to be hard on myself but really, never like this. Eventually I fall asleep and an hour later feeling much better. I jump in the shower determined to get a fresh start. What do I do???? Yes that's right, I step back on the scales again. Oh, I've lost a pound over last week, not gained. Ooops!

Lesson learned .... get new glasses and stay off the scales at 4:30 in the morning. Phew!

Manic Monday - well not quite manic

Sun set is nearing and it's been a "Monday". Everyone at work including myself had a long day...not necessarily a hard day just lots of tedious little things kept popping up. It's incredibly hard to keep a positive attitude through a day like this and I won't be calling today a success. The weekend was uneventful so I can't blame it on "weekend over stimulation". I've been keeping to my "foods are medicine" with just a couple of exceptions but I'm good with that.

Today was good as far as eating until I came back from our evening walk ( the second one in as many days - it's a start), I'm sitting here having sparkling water with a spritz of orange juice (yum) and a small bowl of less salt potato chips. Okay what happened to me! They taste 'not good' .... I love chips of every variety. These chips are not doing it for me.... am I damaged???? Ha ha ha! I want more water and I won't finish the chips. Maybe I'm coming down with something. Twilight zone theme is quietly playing in the back of my head. Huh. The seriousness of my intent to become healthier must be stronger than I thought.

The sun is now an orange blur in the distance but I must change today's overall results to be an outstanding success because never before have I not eaten chips that were in front of me. Gonna be an interesting week n'est pas?