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Last week had to have been one of the more emotionally negative ones that I have had in a long time. What set me off? Not too sure but I do have an idea and it involves several components - physical hunger from dieting, having exacting standards to live up to.... mine not someone else's....and ignoring the signs that my body keeps trying to send me. Driving to work Wednesday morning ... it's still dark as it's only 5:30 in the morning.... and I'm miserable to the point of weepiness. I start talking out loud as if I'm in a therapy session (it does work for me) .... describing how I feel. It was like I opened a door .... no.... I let it open - inside is a black hole that consumes all that is positive - moods, self image, etc. Holy crap!!!! I could not figure out what happened Tuesday to set this off. It wasn't a particularly great day and I've had so many that have been much worse. My head keeps going around in circles ..... out of the blue a thought comes to me clear as anything .... it's hungry and you haven't been feeding it! Holy crap on a stick I found my monster ... you know the one that has been giving me such a hard time! What now??? Slaying monsters isn't in my repertoire...anyways it's a part of me not some external hazard. Time for something new.
1: put away the scale - every time I step on it I'm disappointed with myself.
2: eat what I like within reason - I know what is good for me and what hurts me - I didn't binge the rest of the week but it was a close thing and I certainly did't eat all that healthily.
3: there are all these things in my head that I want to do - time to do them
4: I've been letting everyone around me drive my life - time to take control back one step at a time
5: the disappointment that I think I see in other peoples eyes is just a reflection of how I feel about myself - focus within not without!
These should keep me busy for a while ..... got to go - there's work to be done
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Sending you an enormous hug. You are wonderful! I too suffer from the black and gray days when it seems you can't live up to the expectations of others, that they seem disappointed that you aren't something/someone else entirely (you have met my mother remember). What works for me (eventually) is to remember that you have to live your life for you and do what makes your heart sing. Assuming we only get one crack at this (at least at a time!) we need to be in charge of our own show. For me it means continually (re)defining what success is for me (in my work there are always going to be others who are smarter, more accomplished - and love to lord it over you, etc), and letting go/limiting (and that is a constant struggle) of those relationships that just don't work/are toxic for me. While I get sad about the relationships at times, it's much better than the misery of being in them! :D
ReplyDeleteHang in there.